Fear of Sex and Intimacy

fear of sex and intimacy

Fear of Sex and Intimacy

Sex and Intimacy are perhaps the most difficult subjects to talk about for most people. Our collective fear, which has been running through our societies for centuries, has a lot to answer for.  Most of us received the conditioning that sex is somehow dirty and wrong. We’ve been told our pleasure is shameful and if really expressed it’s not accepted by our families and cultures. We live our lives with limits on our pleasure, delegating it to the bottom of our list of priorities.

Suppressing our sexual desires forms a relationship of incongruence between what our bodies want and what our mind thinks is acceptable. We squash down our sexual energy and pretend its not there. But as Freud said what-ever is unconscious rules us, so this suppressed sexual or life force energy creates patterns of disease, along with potential erectile dysfunction, or an inability to orgasm. It forms the content of our unconscious sexual fantasies it disconnects us from our hearts and can turn into patterns of addictive sexual behaviour, from pornography addiction to rape and abuse. Repressed sexual energy is damaging to our bodies, our minds, our relationships and the societies we live in.

Living in a climate of sexual fear

We fear being judged by ourselves, by the other and by society. We live in fear of the voice of the super ego telling us that we are right, or we failed again and are wrong. At the core of many people’s wounding is the belief that they are not good enough. That no matter how hard they try their attempts will be met with a level of criticism powerful enough to destroy any self-worth built on unstable ground.

Deep within at the base of our bodies, most of us carry the fear of being abandoned, arising from the felt realisation that we need others to survive in this world. Being on our own is akin to being cast out from the safety of the tribe into the wilderness so we cling on to unhealthy relationships to prevent this wound from being felt.

While most of us long for relationship we also fear being seen, in our smallness, in all the judgments we have about ourselves, the shame we feel and our inadequacy. We hide this from the other, hoping that we can relate from the parts of ourselves that we deem to be good enough and that the rest can hide away in the cupboard, with the door firmly locked.

The octopus of fear has us well and truly caught up in its tentacles, constricted, heart broken and emotionally castrated, ultimately drowning in the fear of not being Loved.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.– Frank Herbert

In true intimacy we want to be cradled in love not in fear of sex

Held in total acceptance we want to see the desire in the eyes of our lover and feel it in their bodies. We want to join, to become one, to move our energies as one being and to connect with something far greater than ourselves in the union that Love Making is. But our fear stops us, our shadows are locked away and so we remain disempowered, unhappy and sexually unfulfilled.

The solution is a shift in consciousness, an awakening to freedom. Where we are heard in our desires,  seen as sexual,  met with acceptance, where we connect intimately with the people we love,  and are liberated beyond the shackles of conformity. Living a life of Joy, Love, and Ease.

Conscious sexuality takes us to the deepest bliss of our being where we can experience making  love with all of ourselves, where there is space for the grief, the pain the joy and the pleasure all in one place as we learn to drop away from our programming.

This isn’t a journey for the faint hearted, nor for those who are looking for a quick fix. This is a committed path where you will meet every dragon and demon that you’ve buried deep within your psyche, you’ll need to lay down your sword to end the fight of duality, between good and bad, you’ll learn to love all these parts of yourself. To bring them home within the safety and the vastness that you are.

For these brave souls the rewards of true intimacy, where a meeting of hearts creates the crucible for transformation, is the prize.  Where sexuality meets spirituality and the oneness of all can be discovered in your very being.