Becoming a Mature Custodian of Money
Back in 2019 I had a Human Design reading – the single most important part of the reading was him saying to me
“You’re here for transformation”.
At that moment everything made sense. The struggle. The trauma. The drive to keep going deeper. The heart felt mission to support others on their journey of resolution. The whole point of being me – is transformation.
Transformation and I are great friends now. Its like I have magic powder in my pocket and I walk through life sprinkling it around – watching life grow more beautiful, more abundant, more connected and covered in more love than I knew possible.
Transformation has taken me into the taboo realms of sex. The heart wrenching places of love. The dynamics of relationship. I thought I’d covered it all – and then along came money. Tapping its finger on my back and saying ‘You’re not done yet – what about me?’
I didn’t want to look.
Money was dirty.
The driving force of a capitalist system I didn’t want part of.
I convinced myself that I was abundant in other areas of life and money – well – that was just not something I didn’t want to sully my hands with and I was ok as I was.
I believed my own rhetoric.
But underneath my nervous system was telling me a whole different story. Anytime I went into the topic of money the panic set off a cascade of fear landing me in freeze – I was immobilised feeling a cocktail of both envy and shame whenever someone else appeared to have financial success. I told myself they were born rich. They got lucky. They married into it. They had sold out. They were designed to make money and I wasn’t – simple.
Part of me knew I was deceiving myself. It was time to get honest. I was disempowered around money – and it was getting too repetitive, too painful and quite frankly too limiting to let myself carry on like that anymore.
Instead I decided to view money as if I was in a relationship with it. And boy did that open up some avenues of exploration.
It was a painful relationship – all one way – shrouded in layers of fear – with blocks to receive that originated from childhood, my culture, my ancestry and the fact that I was born a woman. My boundaries were lacking. There was no creativity and any sense of fun had long since departed.
I decided to become financially literate. Just one step at a time in a way that felt doable for my nervous system. I read books on managing money, making money, I attended courses on money systems, prioritising profit in business. I realised that in becoming a mature custodian of money I could become a more effective change maker. I could even become a philanthropist…. (even if I can’t say it properly). Now that got me really excited. If I’m here for transformation I wondered what I could transform with £500,000 and what about £2,000,000 or more… how many trees could I plant with that? What regenerative ways of doing business could I deepen into and share? What systems could I replace with ones that honour life more fully?
I can honestly say in this ongoing evolution of my relationship with money fun has returned. The freeze has gently thawed. The shame has left. My financial direction is clear and I look forward to my weekly money dates, while moving towards my monetary targets. I’m empowered, switched on and loving this relationship of reciprocal care, respect and adventure I’ve embarked upon with my friend money.